Control over Christmas food.

Today being Christmas Eve I was thinking about this one Christmas Eve dinner when I was a kid living at home and how during the day when my Stepmother was cooking everything in the kitchen I wasn't allowed to eat all day or even be in the kitchen, by dinner time I was completely starving and after filling my plate I started to eat extremely fast then all of a sudden I had that feeling of I'm going to be sick because I was over hungry and shoved so much food in so fast so I remember sitting at the table with everyone thinking "just breathe, just breathe, do not be sick" and of course we weren't allowed to leave the table during dinner.

Reflecting back on this and the control that my Father and Step mother had over my food intake was fucking nuts. Of course, once you start thinking about one event others rush to your brain and you think of all the other times that they really control my body with lack of food or over fed in one area. For example, I said I liked eggnog so it being on sale or something my dad bought 4 containers of eggnog for me to drink. 4...who drinks 4 containers as a 12 year old by herself in a short amount of time, but with that if I went and got something else like a glass of milk or water to drink with my meals like breakfast they would question me "why aren't you drinking the eggnog I got you? Don't you appreciate that I bought that for you?" and other times they would tell me I couldn't eat certain foods in the fridge/cupboards. I'm not kidding, I didn't actually have some fresh vegetables like fresh salad or potatoes until I moved away to college and could actually try fresh food.

Clearly I've still got a lot of anger built up over the years from what happened, maybe this coming new year I'll focus on letting go of things.

Happy Holidays!