Husband is/has been emotionally/verbally abusing our young kids

Hey workingmoms. Long story short, my husband is emotionally/psychologically and verbally abusive to our kids (almost 5) and I’m struggling with when to have this come to Jesus talk with him.

I’m ashamed to say it has been going on for a while now, but I’ve been in denial. I just grit my teeth and get through the moment (I.e support the crying kids) and then go into silent angry mode with my husband. I know this is not a good/healhthy/helpful way to cope, but here we are. A couple days or a week pass of “normal” behavior on his part (which is to say not abusive; he rarely engages with the kids and spends a lot of his time with his AirPods in listening to podcasts or music even when around the family. He did this frequently on our vacation with my family this summer, which was so embarrassing).

I used to read things like this and think “why the hell is she still with this schmuck?!” But I get it now. Never in my life did I think I would be googling “is this child abuse” while my husband yells profanities at my kids, belittles them and even punched a wall in front of them to purposefully scare them. The most heartbreaking part of all of this (if I can even choose) is that my son has had behavioral problems for a while now, including trouble regulating his emotions and angry outbursts. I feel ridiculous for only just connecting that my husband’s behavior could be the cause, or even just contributing. They say things like “daddy is mean” and generally prefer me as primary parent.

I struggle because I have these flashes of “normalcy” where he is still not exactly enjoyable to be around but where he isn’t lashing out at the kids. In those moments I second-guess the hardline conversation I have lined up in my head. I know I’m not overreacting in those moments but I also struggle to bring up this monster in the room when everything is fine, even good on that day. I don’t feel like it’s love-bombing - he isn’t overly affectionate or whatever - but I almost feel like the unpredictability is worse. And yet my kids still also look for him and interact with him, say they miss him when he was away for a family funeral.

He has never acted abusive in any way towards me in our 20yrs together. We don’t have a lot in common but pre-kids we enjoyed a lot of time together. I’m sure the stress of parenthood has unmasked this part of him; he had a ton of childhood trauma and an abusive home himself so while I don’t excuse it, I can see where it comes from. The sad thing is, if he ever treated me this way I’d be gone in a heartbeat. So why do I let him do this to our kids?

I wish I could say he’s helpful around the house or something else is holding me back, but if I think about it, while I still care for him, I don’t respect him and I hate how he treats our kids. At the end of the day, they are what matter most. I want to give him a chance to change because I know divorce his hard on everyone including our kids, I’ve lined up the three “conditions” I have for moving forward together. But when do I drop this bombshell? Sunday night? After work during the week? When do I consult a divorce attorney? How long do I give him to change?

Any help, words of encouragement or commiseration most welcome. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.