I keep thinking Why me?

It will be a year my husband suddenly passed away without being sick, without any warning or preparation. I spent a lot of time grieving the life he could have had and feeling terrible about all the things he still had left that he wanted to accomplish and do and all the times and plans we thought we would experience together.

I have had 1 or 2 mini crushes, but at this stage can never imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. First, because it’s too hard to imagine because I still miss him every day and feel like it was only a couple of months ago that he passed. Second, because I feel like I’m getting older (will be 50 this year) and it will be harder to find someone who will accept me. I also have no desire to date or deal with that sort of drama. I know a couple of much older women who have lost their husband or even been divorced and totally gave up on finding love again and lived several decades alone. I just don’t see another relationship in the cards for me. And I don’t want a new one, but it also makes me sad that I won’t have one.

So now I’m at the stage where I’m just thinking, why me? I was happy. I’m a good person. I was gifted with a good husband who I loved and trusted, and I am very thankful for having several years with him, and I am well aware that some people may not even have that in their lives. But I also keep thinking why me? Why do I have to now be alone? Why was it cut so short? Other people live till old age with their partners. Was that expecting too much? Why couldn’t that be me instead?