i still feel traumatized and stuck.

i was psychiatrically hospitalized 9 times before the age of 12, so technically not a troubled “teen” but figured i’d still share here. i’ve been to four winds, bellevue, lincoln hospital, and new york presbyterian. i was a repeat customer at bellevue and four winds. the things i experienced and witnessed in those places will follow me for the rest of my life. i feel like i’m not “allowed” to be traumatized by it because psych wards are supposed to be “safe” but they’re not. idk about the adult and teen wards, but the child wards i’ve been in were crawling with abuse and neglect. one time in bellevue, i was around 9 at this time and it was my 2nd time there i believe, my roommate couldn’t stop herself from crying in her bed. she was a year younger than me and i could tell it was her first time ever being admitted. she sobbed and i couldn’t blame her. the staff apparently were annoyed by that, and instead of pulling her aside and reassuring her/letting her call her family, etc. they loudly told her to stop crying. she couldn’t obviously, and the next thing they did was pull her pants down and sedate her with a shot in the butt. for crying in her bed. i witnessed the entire thing and the staff left without a word. that’s only one story. the staff at bellevue also ostracized and bullied me for not praying before meals (which they insisted everyone did, it wasn’t a hospital policy, the staff just decided to enforce it) and interrogated me on why i didn’t believe in god. the staff (still bellevue, SCREW that place) once rounded us up (a group of aprox. 6-12 year olds) and told us we were bad children and that we disappointed our parents, that we’d be sent to state hospital and be chained to our beds every day and never see the sun again. i could tell a million stories from these places, and they’re still presented as a “safe haven”. the really scary thing about being a minor in the psych ward is that you truly have no rights. your parents basically sign you away through a big contract they don’t read. i went mute from stress several times in these places. another thing that really bothered me about bellevue (esp now being diagnosed with autism) was how they would treat nonverbal kids like babies. the ward literally had a specific room that was designed like a nursery (i’m not exaggerating, it looked exactly like a nursery for a newborn) where nonverbal kids would stay, and everyone else slept in the regular rooms. it was like they assumed nonverbal = baby. i’m obviously for accommodations but this was just demeaning for no reason. i totally get and support having accessible rooms, but this wasn’t accessible, it was infantile. thank you for reading this far if you have.