Im scared to eat shrooms

And it’s not conscious – my whole body goes into a fight-or-flight response when I think of eating them or touch them for too long (I have delusions that they’re going to enter my body through my skin). I think that’s because my first trip was scary – I took too big a dose, and I’m traumatized by substances because I once ended up in the hospital for a month because of them. My second trip was amazing – the dosage was good at first, but I felt it was too weak, so I ate a lot more, and it became so scary I thought I was dying. (I also almost died in the hospital, which I think is connected to this.) I thought that the toilet I was going to puke in was a black hole pulling me out of this world. The third time, I took a very small amount – 0.5g – and expected it to be subtle, but it was as strong as my second trip, and I literally fainted from fear. I want to try one more time – a very subtle dose – but I’m so scared that I literally can’t bring myself to put them in my mouth because my hands shake so much. What should I do? I want it so badly.

To ad: I think it’s because I’ve been sober for about a year, and I was addicted to substances—mainly alcohol and pot. Right now, I’m having a hard time, so I have cravings for pretty much anything and shrooms are the only think I let myself have