I’ve needed help for a long time

I’m going to try and sum this up in the most concise way I can. I didn’t want to post this in the break up sub as it seems way too depressing and I’m not sure I’m going to get the supportive advice that I need there.

Long story short I’m 28F and I’ve been in quite a slew of bad relationship since 19. almost a decade.

I came out of an abusive relationship in March 2024 and started talking to someone. I knew prior but only as a friend. Of course over the next several months into May, June, July things started to develop romantically. As far as I was concerned, we liked each other and we were going on dates. It was probably the most freeing relationship I had been in , in a long time and compared to my other horrible relationships. He really seemed so great. I did things with him that I hadn’t done in a long time , I did rock climbing , biking ,hiking, exploring all over. I know it seems so stupid but these things really built up my confidence. I had never felt so free with someone before. So many people asked us how long we were married when we were out. There was an obvious connection.

However, everything started to go downhill in August. I confessed to him that I was really catching feelings. And suddenly he acted like we were only ever friends with benefits, which was news to me.. I totally blindsided me. Then he would say he liked me. He didn’t know wtf was going on in his head clearly, but it wasn’t fair to me. I wonder if he was really manipulating me from the start but I guess I’ll never know. Fast forward I tried to cut it off shortly after that, and he did not want to let me go. Again at the end of September I tried a second time. He messaged me a week later and I was not strong enough to keep him at bay.

At this point, I knew it wasn’t going to go into the committed relationship I wanted. But I couldn’t let go. This is where my self love for myself was non existent. Now, I haven’t spoken to him in a month as we both finally ended it on Dec 6. I still can’t let go and I’m devastated.

To summarize, I don’t want to say he is a horrible person, but there were definitely times looking back that he gave mixed signals, manipulated me, took me for granted, and our last conversation was the most upsetting because he tried to rewrite history to absolve himself of any guilt. The bottom line is he gave me mixed messages, and I knew that he did like me to a degree, but for reasons that I could theorize on for endless days he did not want to commit to me.

OK, so here I am. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back per se. This relationship has really really done a toll on my mental health and I feel like I’m spiraling and letting things get out of control. I don’t want to sabotage the good things I have going for me and I’m really trying to do self-love. What can I do guys? I will also say I have fears of being alone and not finding my person and starting the family that I want and I think that’s also contributing to my mental state. I miss him deeply, but our last conversation was very hurtful and I know that I need to move on. I want to be happy alone, I don’t think I’ve ever really spent a considerable time single and not entertaining anyone. It’s been a while maybe at least 2 1/2 years ago. I had a short period of singleness.

I just know I want to get over him without jumping to the next person. I deleted my Instagram account because I couldn’t even get myself to block him so I just deleted my account entirely. The social media has been unhealthy for me anyway. My job is also a huge stressor for me as it’s a new job and I’m not really given the support I need and I’m honestly afraid I’m going to get fired at some point.

Things I have started to do :

  • I have and am continuing therapy and I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now.
  • I am actively looking for some sort of class to attend to such as photography or an art class
  • I’ve switched going to a different rock climbing gym, although he goes to all of the gyms in our city, but this gym he goes to less likely. I’m trying to make this activity MY OWN since I really enjoyed it, but I do have fears that I will see him there, or worse taking a new girl to the gym. I don’t think it’s necessarily good for my psyche right now and I am wondering if I need to take a break from it, which makes me sad. I have gone with some friends and it’s been decent, but sometimes I’ll get in my car and feel sad.
  • I have started journaling, but it’s really just been me writing down my feelings and the confusion that I’ve been left with, but are there different prompts? I should try to be writing about.?
  • I try to pray every night and practice gratitude for my blessings
  • I continue to go to the gym and work out
  • breathing excersies

I’m really just trying to practice self love.. I feel like I’ve just hit a breaking point with all the abuse and now this final rejection has totally just broken my heart and I’m exhausted. To be honest, I can’t even imagine dating anyone or even remotely touching someone else. oh, and the thought of him doing what he did with me with others makes me sick, but I know there’s nothing I can do. I’ve always been in and out of depression since these relationships and loosing my father at 22. Loosing my dad just about killed me. I struggled with suicidal thoughts as well off and on for years and recently. Just bad space mentally

Right now writing this I feel OK, but last night I had a mini mental breakdown where I was just uncontrollably, crying and having a mini panic attack. I’m aware that this person isn’t worth this at all and so it’s frustrating to feel this way when your heart and mind just don’t connect. I just want to love myself and be happy with myself again like I was when I was a child.