How does one like themselves and desires to heal (depression)?

Hello all, hope you are doing great. I need help about my mindset. 6 months ago I tried to make a drastic improvement and I exited my comfort bubble but unfortunately I got depression by removing my "protection" from the real world. I am not clinically diagnosed but show most of the symptoms: I don't know why I am sad and life is meaningless, I am a wicked wretch that doesn't deserve love, failure is my destiny etc.

I am luckier than most as I have friends that genuinely love me, a supportive family, patient teachers and heck, apart from being a weirdo I wouldn't consider myself too bad (I think I could be much worse)

But every night before going to the bed I remind myself "No matter how much love, support and hope you get, in the end you never deserve anything except drowning in righteous misery". Kinda ironic isn't it?

I've realized that I don't actually want to heal from depression but can't put a finger as to why. Like my life will be better in every aspect if I get rid of it, so why do I want the exact opposite? I feel if I just say "Depression doesn't defy me. I am worthy of all" I will cure it but I can't do it.

How can I get in a state where I am trying to heal it instead of embracing it?