Nobody cares if you don't want to date trans people, but it's annoying and insulting when you beg for validation about it.

Picture this: A straight man who is 5'2" vents about how hard it is to find love when most women prefer tall men—not insulting anyone’s preferences, not saying they’re wrong—just expressing his struggles. In response, people jump in with, "Well, I prefer men over 6 feet. Does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I’m bigoted against short men?" Suddenly, the conversation spirals into a massive ideological debate. People start arguing that short men are entitled for even wanting love, that they aren’t “real men,” and that women who date them should have their sexuality questioned. Maybe the people who first responded didn’t intend for it to escalate like this—but it did, because they made the short man’s struggles about themselves.

That’s what it feels like to talk about trans issues in the dating scene.

Before anybody asks: No, not being attracted to a trans person doesn’t mean you’re transphobic, evil, or anything of the sort. Most of us don’t believe that. Even if you say you would never date a trans person, I might think it’s bold to assume you’d never find a single one attractive—since we can look like anybody—but I’d assume you have your reasons. Whether it’s genital preference, wanting biological children, personal trauma, or something else, it’s your choice. More importantly, you don’t owe anyone a justification. No means no. If that concept is unfamiliar to you, I’d suggest reading up on consent; it’ll serve you better than asking strangers on the internet for validation.

Here’s the thing: When trans people talk about their struggles in dating, and you personally don’t want to date them, I get why it might feel like you’re being blamed. You might feel like they’re pointing at you and saying you are the reason they’re struggling. But sometimes, people’s pain and hardships truly aren’t anyone’s fault.

Certain traits make dating harder—being unconventionally attractive, being overly short for men or tall for women, having a physical disability or deformity, being fat, being older, having kids or past marriages... and being trans. When people vent about these challenges, they aren’t demanding that you specifically change your preferences. They wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t want them anyway. They’re just expressing pain, the way people do when they need to get things off of their chests.

So when you jump in and ask, "Well, is it okay if I don’t want to date you for those reasons?"—even if you don’t mean harm—it feels like a slap in the face. Like you’re reaffirming that they’re undesirable, unlovable, doomed to be alone. That’s kicking someone while they’re down. Your preferences are valid, but asking trans people to validate those preferences for you is entitled as hell. If you have nothing productive to add to these discussions, the best thing you can do is step away—or, if you’re willing and able to brave some discomfort, stay quiet and listen. You might learn something that helps people.

Regardless, there are times when you can’t ask people for reassurance. Go to therapy, meditate, learn how to self-soothe. But this moral panic? It’s fucking ridiculous.

Edit: As much fun as it has been to engage and debate with y'all, even the people I don't agree with, I'm not replying to anymore comments from this point. There have been some pretty hateful and disgruntled voices here, which I already expected from the get go, but I'd be wasting my own time and greying my own hairs trying to change every single person's mind. I stand by what I said; sorry if some of it didn't come off the right way and for forgetting that reddit doesn't like figurative language very much. Thank you to the people who supported this post and to those who engaged with me kindly and respectfully: you guys rock, and regardless of whether we agree, I hope you all find an extra 20 dollars in your jacket today.

Edit 2: Good lord, some of you really didn't read past the first paragraph 😭 This isn't actually about short people! My condolences for your inability to read or understand figurative language. Btw trans men are men and trans women are women!