The wholesome horror of Harvey

Seen a lot of absolute horror stories here. This one's a bit different.

It was around 2004-2005 and I was one of a five member weekly 3.5e D&D group. We were all quirky and complicated in our own ways - but the main character of this tale is Harvey.

Harvey was our age but was already going bald, had thick dark-rimmed glasses, a porn-stash, and spoke with a heavy lisp. I'd met Harvey independently through another friend, which was the same story for two of the other guys at the table. Somehow everyone had met or hung out with Harvey at some point somehow and I can't quite remember who actually invited him to play.

I ended up being Harvey's ride to most sessions (he had no car) and regularly took him to the Biscuitville drivethru on the way home (Harvey had no money).

What Harvey did have in abundance were drugs. He was typically pre-blazed when I picked him up and weaved in and out of a comical stupor while gaming. But I don't think his cognizance would have made an issue one way or the other.

Dice hated Harvey.

I can't really think back and remember anytime a roll ever went Harvey's way. He ended up playing Barbarians, not because it matched his mental state, but it was the only class with enough HP to survive his luck.

Harvey also liked to get into trouble. Lots of trouble. He regularly started fights with NPCs and interrupted BBEG monologues just before we got the information we needed. He chugged unidentified potions, charged right into obvious traps, and made everything an out-of-character sex joke.

He pretty much did everything a player wasn't supposed to do - but the game was somehow better and we had a lot of fun with his crazy antics.

There was one time he called me from a grocery store to pick him up. This was a new one for Harvey. When I arrived, he was hugging a large brown paper shopping bag like his life depended on it and his eyes were fully dilated.

When I asked if he was okay he simply shouted back "I've had 10 BLOTTERS OF ACID!!".

When we got to the DM's house, Harvey made a B-line for the kitchen. He screamed about his acid intake, then forbid anyone from entering the kitchen. We were all a little worried - but didn't know quite what to do. We figured we'd start the game and he'd make his way to the table when he heard us playing.

We're 15 minutes in and it's Harvey's turn. Harvey shouts "10 BLOTTERS OF ACID" again from the kitchen and the DM takes over playing Harvey's barbarian until the dude calms down.

Another 15 minutes go buy and Harvey finally comes out of the kitchen. He's holding a full plate of freshly baked cinnamon buns and proceeds to offer them to us one at a time as if he were the waiter at a restaurant. He then sat down and played the rest of the night as a slightly more polite entirely normal version of himself.

Until we got to the BBEG. Harvey baited the DM launching into a monologue after promising never to cut him off again. The DM gets in 5 words before Harvey yells "I don't give a f#ck what you think!" and rolls initiative.

A session or two later his absurdity and bad rolls gets my fighter killed and the entire group TPK'd not long after that.

As horrible as he could be - he was a lot of fun and I miss him at some of my quieter tables.