I feel in a weird way I’ve accepted death

I don’t want to die. But this whole situation I’m in now has caused me so pain and mental and emotional grief. I feel like sometimes I’m like, ahh it’s only death. Who cares.

In my head, I’ve worried about the meds and cancer and being in a wheelchair a thousand 100 thousand times or more. I’m convinced that’ll be me tbh. So in a weird way I’m just like ahh fuck it. If I die I die. I have bad luck it seems and all I can say to myself about my situation is ‘it is what it is’.

I guess it’s just a feeling of hopelessness across the board. 35 and my life was already a mess and then this happens. Annoying and difficult to say the least.

Very bitter and envious sometimes of people who seemingly have nothing wrong with them. I sometimes wish this upon them. I know that sounds terrible. But just being honest about the feelings that crop up. I don’t really wish it on them. I just find it hard that people don’t seem to take me seriously etc when I’m feeling bad 90%of the time. But I get it. Everyone has issues. And comparison is the thief of joy