Conversation with my Doctor terrified me.

I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home, largely because my mother was a semi functioning alcoholic. I only mention this because growing up in that enviornment i swore to myself i would never become an addict. That i would never hurt my family that way.

I was talking about this with my psychologist today. I told him that if i have three drinks or so at a social function and start feeling a buzz, feeling really relaxed, theres a moment where i ask myself "why don't you drink more often" and i remember how bad things were for me as a kid and stop drinking at all for months.

Then he pointed out to me that I was doing the exact same thing with food, but couldn't see the consequences. Instead of making the decision to avoid chasing that feeling i'm doing the opposite. I'm chasing it EVERY DAY.

I've never felt so shattered. The idea that my food addiction is as bad as the addictions i grew up around scares the shit out of me. I've been trying to relax and calm down but i literally don't know how to without eating.

The idea of struggling the rest of my life against an addiction to something i have to do everyday is incredibly daunting. I'd appreciate anyone who could offer some hope or perspective.