It's so painful

Tw: sui mentions and death

I had to keep in touch with my abuser because hes paying my phone bill and holding my stuff until I can find a way to ship it across the country. And he told me that he's basically talking to other women already and it hurts so bad. I want to die. I know he was abusive, I know I should be happy I'm out but I was with him for 16 years and I still love him. Part of me had hope he would change. But I know that's unrealistic.

On top of that, not abuse related, but my grandpa passed away on Sunday so on top of grieving the loss of my16 year abusive relationship, I'm grieving a death. It's all too much.

Idk what to do. I can't afford therapy. I tried reading a book about toxicity in relationships, I try distracting myself (spent the last 2 nights painting keepsake boxes with my bestie) but like...idk. how do I get over him? How do I see I'm better off?

I need serious mental help because I really feel like I'm drowning and I seriously have had very very bad thoughts.

Edit: thank you to whoever used reddit care resources or whatever. I appreciate you caring.