Thanks so much to finding you guys and gals.
I've been frequenting r/alcoholicsanonymous and r/alcoholism , sharing my difficulties and my progress.
Today I realise I want to fully commit to alcohol. It juts makes me happy, I can tolerate the days passing by, why figth against it ?!
I see a therapist, a psychiatrist, I have a lot of meds ; when my life will be stable enough, i'll quit, promise.