Failed at everything

Depression for over 10 years. It doesn't get better. Took poison and jumped off my flat months ago - all it did Is put me on a wheelchair and sling for 3 months with stupid physio and therapies and bills and being guilt tripped. Now my life is considerably worst. Rock bottom has a trap door.

Can't take it anymore. I just don't want to exist. I didn't ask to be born. Why can't I be allowed to be freed from this outrageous torture? Took months collecting the poisons and preparing only to fail miserably.

Im not afraid of the pain from dying anymore - the body goes into shock and you get sleepy. But I'm so scared of failing at dying again. I hope I do it right this time