Feeling guilty that his families lives plus mine are put on hold.

Hello all,

Been feeling really really bad as of late. Quick run down, I live with my fiancée and while we are saving for a house since apartment prices skyrocketed again, we live with his sister. Conveniently, she lives right next door to my fiancées Grandpa and Uncle. His parents also live like 2 minutes away from here, so we’re all super close. A year ago or more, my MIL’s dad was diagnosed with dementia and her brother diagnosed with Cancer. I don’t typically like to pry so I haven’t asked but to what I know, it’s ethier in the intestines or something else in his digestive track. He attends chemo sometimes, but you can still see him draining away, I’m kind of surprised he still wants to continue, but that’s his choice of course. Her dad, on top of having dementia, is also almost completely blind and deaf. We can kind of see light and sometimes shadows, but not that well at all. And he has had hearing aids before, but he always takes them off and loses them, so you can imagine why they haven’t replaced them when he won’t even try to keep them on and immediately lose them.

Both of the guys live in the house, and constantly need someone here to watch them. It has boiled down to not only his mom, but both his sisters, himself, and I watching them. Due to a previous incident with his Grandpa, I will no longer stay by myself here. As of lately, it seems to be the smart thing too considering I’m about 29 weeks pregnant as well.

To try to sum this up, his Grandpa has been getting real aggressive with his sisters, and sometimes my fiancée. It could start off as simple as him trying to find his guitar that is right next to him, and him go on a mission and being very irratible. He will grab their arms hard and wrap his leg around whoever it is while saying to “let go” or “you want some more?” It happened even last night as of recent. He doesn’t understand that nobody has taken anything and he can’t be that way with us. It’s to the point that everyone hates being here. His Uncle makes things a little more difficult as well. He is supposed to be doing things on his own, but wants us to do it for him despite him knowing full well he can and should do it. That, him constantly coming out when we are busy cooking/cleaning/eating and trying to sneak stuff from the pantry he knows he shouldn’t drink/eat too much of (Ensures/Cookies/Sodas etc.). It is so exhausting keeping up with both of them, especially when they both are having bad days. His grandpa can be having multiple episodes, not listening and being aggressive, and his uncle back talking and trying to insult anyone who doesn’t let him get his way, including his own sister. It is such a crummy situation.

The part I feel so bad about is that I am so tired for them. His mom needs a break, and it is affecting her heart the days she works and has to come back here. So us “kids” take over and everyone hates it. It’s a fight just to decide who stays the night and who comes in the late morning/afternoon. Nobody wants to do this anymore, and the longer this continues, the more upset they get and the harder it is to deal with the guys. It’s literally making some of them wish they were both in a home or something cause that’s where they are at. I hate to admit it too, but I understand it completely. I try to be patient, but the closer I get to having this baby, the more I feel it and it makes me so angry and upset. The whole family can’t even go out for a bit without someone staying behind. My daughter’s 1st birthday in coming up next weekend, and I don’t even know who’s going to watch the guys cause I so desperately want everyone there, and they want to be there. I’m hoping one of my MIL’s brothers can step up for one day and watch them, but I doubt it. It always falls on my MIL and her family, which angers me so much more for their lack of care. And they can say that they care, but their actions just don’t show it.

I already feel bad as it is since I can no longer feel comfortable around the Grandpa by myself to the point I’ll be in tears. So I can’t just stay here for the few hours until his mom or someone else gets back. So it’s lately been the “kids” watching them. We feel like our lives are on pause every single day we come here. We all span from age 22-29. This is not how anyone imagines living their 20’s. And I know this isn’t forever, but we can’t even spend a few hours away without something happening. Like last night we go over to his parents house to help with some decorations, and just spend time all together. Well I think 2-3 hours in, the Grandpa puts himself on the floor, probably from sliding down on the wall for whatever reason, and can’t get back up. So his sister goes to help him, and he starts being stubborn not wanting her help, but not helping her or himself get off the floor. He throws a fit and she has to wait a bit before he finally lets her get him up. And while we went to get a late night meal for all 3 of us, she stayed back and he started his grabbing and wrapping his legs trying to fight her again! She was so ready to just get out of here. It’s really gotten so much worse the past few months at least.

Bringing at least the Grandpa to a home has been brought up several times, but MIL doesn’t want to do it, and I get why. Nobody want to deal with him acting like an angry toddler when he won’t get his way during an episode. And I know care places will only put up with so much before they expel people like him for being so agressive and inappropriate. But I also know this is the dementia and he was never, at least to my knowledge of the entire 6+ years of me knowing them like this. And because he makes $200 over the max, he can’t get someone here to watch like a part-time caregiver. And nobody can afford their fees without insurance or help, even while he is on Medicaid or whatever. It’s barely enough to pay some of his bills and have food. So nobody ever gets a break and the longer it continues, the more everyone loathes it. And I feel guilty saying that I’m starting to feel the same. I catch myself loosing my patience more often, which is hard cause I am a VERY patient person, or find myself gritting my teeth in anger. Those kind of feelings are not healthy for anyone! I myself am at a lose, so you can imagine how his family feels.

Sorry for the long rant, this is just building up and I can feel the stress it is putting on everyone. I just don’t know what anyone can do. His mom has the power of attorney for both guys, but everyone is still in a pickle. My fiancée alone works 15 hour shifts for what can be weeks before he gets days off, and nobody wants to spend their only days off taking care of 2 grown men who constantly need 24/7 care and all. And both his sisters work 10-12 hour shifts as well basically doing the same thing here as CNA’s. And nobody can get paid to watch the guys full time, so it just takes that much more out of us all. I guess I just want some advice on how to even just handle the anger/guilt/grief of it all, and how to help them out as much as I can. Nobody should live like this, and what the guys are growing through I wish on no one. Dementia is brutal, but losing your sight and hearing too? Personally, I would rather be dead than lose myself and make my loved ones suffer. To a certain point, same with the cancer. Sorry again, my pregnancy hormones are probably through the roof as of late, but any ideas and all would be so appreciated. Also sorry if there are any typos. I’m just so drained from typing this out I don’t even want to look through all of it again, nonetheless feel it all.