I really liked getting SA’d

A few years ago my FWB raped me in a hotel room. It was actually the first time we hooked up, and he decided mid-fuck that he wanted to grab me by my head and rape my mouth. He then dragged me off the bed, pushed me to the ground and continued forcing me to suck him for a while. I know this is so bad, and I know it’s wrong, but I was so insanely turned on that I still get wet thinking about it. I still fuck him too, hoping he will do it again or do worse. I think because he was just so hot and I was already so turned on my him fucking me that made him raping me like that so enjoyable. He hasn’t raped me a second time, but he’s done other stuff that almost crossed the line into what is generally considered not-ok. Like squeezing me so hard I can’t breathe and not letting me go when I’m struggling to get away. And gripping my wrist so hard I could feel my bones start to bend. I know he’s abusing me, and I know he’s likely abusive to other women as well, but I could never turn him in. I’ve become more attracted to him than any other man on the planet. I have no desire to have sex with anyone else because I already know it won’t compare to sex with him. And I’m not advocating for rape at all, rape is horrible and I feel so bad admitting all this. But that’s what’s going on with me. And I need to let it out there, because I can’t imagine telling him. It would be like confronting him for raping me, which I’d never do. And I don’t want to scare him off.

Anyway, yeah. I know I’m putting myself in danger. I understand that this man has both raped and strangled me for no reason, and he’s likely to escalate at some point. I am horrible because I hope he does