Definitely not okay right after birth

I’m currently snuggled up with my 4 week old (literally where does the time go, idk how he is this old already :(), definitely sleep deprived and some moments are better than others, but I’m so happy. So, I’m definitely doing much better now, but that being said I’m curious if anyone has a similar experience directly following birth as I did.

I had a pretty traumatic induction four weeks ago. I wasn’t even aware my induction was scheduled until the hospital called me to let me know that I was “late for cervical ripening to prep for the induction the next day” 🥴 my OB forgot to let me know she booked it. Cervidil sent me into basically a three hour long contraction, which sent baby’s heart rate skyrocketing, and it wouldn’t come down. I was having pretty bad contractions with no break, for three whole hours. They took the Cervidil out, and had a resident do a foley balloon.

I definitely dissociated the entire time she did the foley balloon. I knew it was supposed to be a quick procedure, but I thought it was odd that it was taking a while. I thought “wow, that was like 10 minutes, I feel like it shouldn’t have taken that long” LOL NOPE. My fiancé said “That was like a fking scene out of a Saw movie”, and it took a whole 45 minutes. She had fucked it up three times, there was blood EVERYWHERE. Hell. Once it was in, it was fine. They put us in a delivery room at 3am, got me up at 7am to start Pitocin, broke my water at 8:30. I got the epidural (which I was pretty adamant I didn’t want, but I was already pretty beaten down at that point from the cervical ripening 😅) at 11am. I was fully dilated at 2:30pm and started pushing, pushed for two and a half hours, eventually got the vacuum and out came my little boy at 5:06pm!

I literally mentally checked out once he was born. We were in the hospital for 4 days, due to his sugars not stabilizing. I was NOT there, lights were on but no one was home. It was far beyond what people describe the Baby Blues as. I was experiencing what I would expect the Baby Blues to feel like on top of it, as well, but I was just… not there at all, too. I would look at the clock when I would start feeding baby, and I wouldn’t be able to comprehend what time it was at all. I would look at the clock 10 times and I still wouldn’t be able to register the time. I had zero concept of time for the entire 4 days. I was in such a fog.

I look back and I was literally a vacant shell for days. I didn’t laugh, I couldn’t form full sentences, I couldn’t type on my phone, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and I actually didn’t recognize myself at all. It was SO weird.

I couldn’t sleep because I was fully convinced that if I didn’t have my eyes on my baby, he would die.

We got discharged on day 4, I cried the whole way home convinced we were all going to die on the drive home. That night, he had a really rough first night home. Screamed the entire night.

The next morning, we went back for his first appointment. His jaundice levels were dangerously high. They admitted him then. I stayed in the hospital with my baby by myself that night.

The charge nurse came in and took my baby for a couple hours, because she walked in on me crying so hard I couldn’t breathe while I was pumping. I had so much guilt and panic that he wasn’t with me. I cried myself to sleep, and woke up to him in his bassinet beside me. We got discharged the next day, and for the next week we went for daily appointments to check his jaundice levels, and see lactation consultants.

I was also trying to heal 2nd degree tears that were incredibly painful. I definitely underestimated how much physical pain I’d be in, postpartum 😅

We got in a bit of a groove over the next two weeks, and I progressively felt better mentally every day. I’m SO thankful that vacant, empty feeling has gone away, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s a normal experience others have had.

It was just beyond anything I’ve ever felt in my life. What the hell was it?? Was it shock? Was it just baby blues??

I know I have some birth trauma that I’m definitely going to have to work through! But wow!! I have just never heard anyone talk about the horrible fog I felt. Has anyone else had anything close to what I’ve described? I’m so thankful it’s over with!