Cried really hard tonight

I am currently going through a dark night of the soul. I am typing from the soul.

For awhile, I’ve been battling painful memories from my teenage years. These were the years where I lost myself. I wasn’t really allowed to be true to myself anymore. I was socially conditioned to become a “man’s man.” I went to an all boys Catholic high school where they “toughen you up.”

There was a time in my life where I could freely be myself around my close family. I love them very much. But as I get older, I become more and more distant from them. I can feel society pulling me in one direction but the universe pulling me in another.

The trigger event happened this past weekend where my feelings were invalidated by some of the male figures in my family. The ones who I grew up with. It was very hard. I felt disgusting. Horrible, weak, fragile…

Tonight, I thought back to a time in my life… very young. Where I was biking around in my grandparents basement with my cousins, being silly, goofy, and just loving life. I was so happy. I felt accepted. I really haven’t felt that way in years.

I just balled my eyes out. It’s a time from the past that I will never get to experience again Those people are just so… different now. Cold. It’s really sad to see.

Perhaps this is the pain I have been carrying for the last few months. I don’t know. But I feel a bit better. Just a bit.

Have a good night. I love you all.