Help — Parent of adult child with autism

Hi All, Hoping to get some desperately needed advice. I am a parent of a 25yo son that had been diagnosed as a young teen with ODD and Autism. Me and his other parent live in separate states. Since graduating high school, my son has lived with both me and his other parent and it did not end well with either setup. Mostly because of his inability to be considerate and productive and hygienic. He continuously gets jobs, loses jobs for being late or disrespectful, not having money, buying unnecessary items, losing jobs again and then the cycle continues. He refuses all help (except for money).

I am in no way blaming him for these issues and understand he needs help. I also understand that he sees/learns/processes things in a different way. The problem is that we don’t know how to help him to the next step.

Me and the other parent have given him space after becoming an adult so at about 20yo we helped him get into a place that was affordable shared rent type of set up. He ended up getting into a fight with another resident. Since then he went from living anywhere he can, couches, storage facility, work, etc. He doesn’t alert us to these changes in circumstances he just does the best he can and says he doesn’t want to bother us. Although, at times, he will call for money. Also, there was 2 times he got kicked out of a homeless shelter and I didn’t find out until I called the shelter myself when I couldn’t find him.

During this time he has been going thru this, he has lived in another state from me. It’s hard to get him on the phone to check on him. When I do speak with him, asking about his whereabouts and circumstances is like pulling teeth. Even the other parent living in the same state as him was not able to get direct answers on his whereabouts. Now, the other parent has moved out of that state our son is in.

Recently, the other parent stopped in the state to check on him and our son seemed unkempt and admitted to living outside an abandoned home. Although he does have 2 jobs at this time, he doesn’t have any money. From what I understand the 2 jobs are both new so likely he went thru another cycle of losing a job and then being broke.

-side note, I don’t think he is on drugs although he does smoke weed. I am not sure if weed is something you can be addicted to or even if you are would it cost that much where you would be broke all the time. During a time when I was recently going thru his bank account records it seemed like money was just randomly being spent on fast food and other things.

We really wanted to give him space and let him try/fail/try again/succeed or maybe just realize on his own that we were trying to guide him the best we could and to stop fighting our help!!!! But of course, we were wrong and it hasn’t turned out good at all.

So our question is what can/should we do now. We fear for his safety/well being/mental health/happiness with the way it is going. He certainly doesn’t deserve to be where he is at but doesn’t accept any help out of it.

We both feel awful about the situation that we created and allowed to continue. We know that maybe it wasn’t the best way to handle things when he was 20 but what do you do when your child doesn’t want the help that you are offering (therapy, guidance, etc)?

In a perfect world I am imagining a place that can help him with occupational/behavioral therapy, a place to live with some light oversight as far as bills and safety, an emphasis on functioning as an adult on his own, etc. With this being a gateway to him being able to do this on his own one day.

-side note, he cannot live with either of his parents, one parent travels 100% for work and has no home, the other parent has young children that cannot have a big brother role model that is disrespectful to their parents. We also cannot afford to pay for a place for him to live and quite frankly don’t trust the apartment being kept up properly or him being evicted and it going on our credit.

Is there any place that anyone knows of that can help him in this way? Or in a better way that I am not thinking of? What has your experiences been? Are there any states that are best for mental health/autism care access?

For anyone with autism, did you ever go thru this before with your life path? What helped? What didn’t? What are we missing and need to do better with?

If a perfect place is found what if he doesn’t go? Then what would the 2nd best option to try?

Is this a situation where a conservatorship would be an option? I don’t even know if we would go down this route because I want him to have autonomy but maybe just to get him on track? I don’t know, we’re very lost. The sad thing is we know he is even more lost I’m sure.

TIA