is it bad that i find myself wanting autism?

i've been suspecting for the last month or so and i basically threw myself into a rabbit hole of research and the more things i learn about autism, the more validated i find myself feeling, and i'm noticing things about myself that i didn't notice before.

also, i don't feel like the title quite gets across the question i want to ask. it's more like a question of "is it bad for me to hope for the results to come back positive in an evaluation because i'm desperate for validation of my experiences and an explanation for the parts of myself that i couldn't explain before?"

it's something that's been bothering me a lot, especially since i find myself thinking it quite often. it makes me feel like one of those people who just wants a reason to be "special" even though the reason i began researching in the first place is because of how much i'm suffering.

it brings a heavy sense of guilt and shame and i can't help but debate with myself if it's horrible of me to have such a desire.

anyone else have any thoughts? i'd really love to hear another perspective on this.

UPDATE as of 11/7: i've been diagnosed. ADHD, OCD and Level 2 ASD, with signs of cPTSD