How does an autistic girl get better at being, a girl?
I'm 20, but I hardly feel like it. I was diagnosed autistic at 17-18ish so pretty late, and I feel like because of this and a sheltered upbringing when I think about it, I feel like I've lost some vital "programming" in a sense on how to be a girl. I don't mean this in just a looks-wise thing; I think I'm a fairly attractive girl and I have a BF, but that's pretty much it. He took me to go see a movie called The Wild Robot, which is a great movie, but I kept getting in my own head about how I my future and how I feel like I'm going against my programming and that I'm defective and need to go back to where I belong and be fixed. I feel so behind other girls, I'm;
-bad at makeup and feel like a kid who got into her mom's drawer and is just fucking around,
-I bake for my friends sometimes, but I'm not great at cooking.
-I'm not super clean and my room is always messy and the dishes sometimes go too long without being washed and I get unmotivated to do them
-I constantly feel like I smell bad.
-I feel like I'm very unladylike and crass and cuss a lot and blurt out a lot of gross sexual stuff.
-I'm awful with kids and have no maternal instinct. I have 4 siblings but we were pretty much back to back so I wasn't the older sister who had to watch the younger ones. I'm not like a teacher or anything but I work with a lot of little kids and I get weirdly sad? when I see them, especially crying and acting bad. I'm not cooing and going aww over them - I just get sad thinking "shit, I'm going to have to do that soon, how the fuck am I gonna get a baby to stop crying or toddler from having a tantrum? How do I deal with giving birth? What if I just don't emotionally connect with it or accidentally hurt it?" If I'm being honest, I don't want kids, but I feel terrible about it and I don't feel like it's really up to me :/
Half of these are supposed to be things that you learn from your mom or older sister, but I am the older sister and I'm clueless, and I was raised by my grandparents until about 13, who didn't teach me any of this, then when I started living with my parents, it feels like they assumed they didn't have to teach me, I would just know, but now I feel like I'm lost in another country that I don't speak the language of, I don't have a phone, and I don't have a map. How do I start getting this "missing programming" back?