Thinking about killing myseld for the stupidest reason ever

I can't take it anyomore. I'm so fucking useless I don't deserve any of the things I have. My life could be SO amazing if I didn't have this mentality, if I wasn't as sick as I am, but all I find are reasons to end this. I'm on medication, I'm sick in the head and I fear nothing can help me anymore. Why do I feel like this? My music teacher scolded me and now I'm falling into a self-hate spiral, thinking about slicing my wrists and taking a handful of my risperidone. Funniest shit ever. It just triggered all the usual thoughts, ''you're trash'', ''you're useless'', ''you're nothing''. I've had this sort of impulsivity and mood swings for a while now, I'm in the process of getting (or not getting) a BPD diagnosis, but my psychiatrist is hesitant of diagnosing disorders. I hate it. I want to know wtf is wrong with me. I hate myself, I hate everything. I just can't be happy. I want to skip school and just rot in bed, wallow in my own misery. Thinking about all the bad things my suicide could bring just makes me feel worse.