Hello everyone, I'm the guy who was talking about committing Zxna yesterday.

I'm gonna use this account from now on.

I was shocked to see so many reactions, comments, upvotes, and DMs from everyone. I thought my post would be ignored, but it ended up trending in this sub today. When I posted it yesterday, the auto-moderation bot deleted it, so I thought my cry for support was going to be censored. That's why I didn't log in. Thanks to the moderation team for making it active. Your reactions had a strong impact on me. Some were nice, others a bit harsher, and sometimes even mean (a few comments confused me also lol, someone called me a secret jXwish psy-op spreading corruption on this sub) However, the combination of these 100 comments made me strongly reflect on myself over the last hour. I'm begging everyone who submitted a comment not to delete it, as I'll be revisiting this post if I ever end up in the same situation. Thanks to everyone, truly.

I didn't sleep after posting yesterday. My eyes were wide open, and I was incredibly anxious about what would happen tonight. I kept reading my DMs with this girl on Instagram, seeing how I acted like a womanizer with her when I was far from that. I kept saying inappropriate and explicit stuff to a girl I barely knew. I kept pondering what the people from my local masjid would think of me if they read these messages.

I kept asking myself - What have I become? Will I destroy the honor of my family because of societal pressure? Am I this weak? When you suffer from low self-esteem for a while, you feel like everyone has a right to tell you how you should live your life. I'm not trying to justify my actions with these stupid excuses, but I want you all to understand what was going through my head.

I completely forgot about the post last night. I was in my basement, waiting for the hour to come to drive to her house. My parents thought I was sick because of how pale and "not present" I was. I kept telling them that I probably had the beginning of a cold. I spent all day watching my parents pray together, thinking on how they've spent the past 30 years married and never been with anyone else before meeting each other. I didn't pray today. I felt embarrassed to meet my Lord with the plan of committing one of the biggest sins deep down.

I took my car and started driving towards her house; it was completely dark. My heart was racing, I was sweating, and my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. I couldn't believe I was minutes away from doing something I swore I wouldn't do until after marriage. I kept thinking about Surah An-Nur and how my grandma used to mention verse 24:26.

I parked in front of her house. I stayed in my car for 10 minutes until I received a DM from her telling me, "Come to the door." However, instead of pressing the Instagram app, I pressed the Reddit app. I was on my main account, and my post was the first thing on my feed. I started reading everything, every single comment. I almost broke down crying.

I started walking towards her house, and she opened the door. She wasn't dressed much, with half of her chest showing and very short shorts. She just asked me why I seemed so tired and tense. I don't even remember what excuse I told her. She then asked me to come in so we could get a bit comfortable together, in a really flirtatious way. She was gently pulling my hand. I didn't answer and was still outside the house. She kept looking at me; I was acting completely different from how I was texting and FaceTiming her. I looked completely disoriented and not present. Then the conversation went roughly like this:

Me: I have to leave, I'm sorry.

Her: What? You drove here just to tell me this? (I could see she was getting self-conscious)

Me: I just can't. I'm sorry for wasting your time. You can block me.

I don't remember what she said after that; I just turned around, got in my car, and parked in some random parking lot. I started reading every single DM people sent me. I was surprised at how much people cared to help an immature and insecure guy like me. Thank you, everyone. I truly don't know what would of happened if I didn't open the correct app. I know it seems like I'm lying or making this stuff up, but Allah is my only witness. Everyone here. I know all of this seems super-dramatic, but I want you guys to realize how insane this whole thing was to me, I never thought I'd get this close to doing Zna. Nobody knows in real-life what happened today.

Also, some people asked me if I was planning to see this girl again or make her my wife. To be really honest, no. I was planning on having a one-night stand and then ghosting her. She was not the bad person in this situation; I was, and I am ashamed of myself. She was really sweet and nice, but I wasn't interested in her personality. I was only looking to satisfy my ego so people around me would stop making fun of me. When I look back, I realize that if any woman in my close circle who I respect read this, they wouldn't believe I was the one writing it. I'm truly embarassed.

I need new friends, I need not only practice my values but also believe in them, I need self-confidence. I should of not entertained the conversation with the bully in my workplace, when I started to stutter and turning red, he sensed insecurity and that's how he managed to drag me down. I hope next time I'll be able to give a better answer, or manage to deflect the conversation subject next time (feel free to give me advice). I still don't know if I should be honest with people and clearly tell them dating is Haram for us or start lying about having a previous gf.

I won't lie, I'm still a bit insecure by my lack of romantic experience (that's the proof I've been ''white-washed'') but I truly hope my future-wife will be patient with me­ and all my wait will be worth it.

“Desire makes slaves out of kings, while patience makes kings out of slaves.“

― Imam Al-Ghazali

Thanks everyone, I hope your kindness last night will testify for you during the day of Judgment.