AITA for my daughter getting “special treatment” over my stepdaughter? (NOT OOP)

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SHszejV5Sx

I've been getting attacked by my husbands BMs family for weeks and I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do. I've (29F) been married to my husband (31M) for a year and half, been together three in total. I'm divorced, he was with his ex for years and they broke up. I have a ten year old daughter, he has a nine year old daughter. The girls get along well and I love my stepdaughter. She's very sweet and kindhearted and when she comes every other week we all get excited. She's also an amazing older sister to our baby last year. My daughters father moved back to our home state after our divorce and my daughter sees him and his family every summer. He's not really an active dad but he spoils our daughter profusely as a way to apologize for moving far away.

This is where some of the issues lie. If my daughter asks her dad for something and he Amazons it to our house, my stepdaughter will feel jealous. For example last May my daughter wanted the brand new iPad that just came out and she asked her father for it and he bought it for her. When it arrived my stepdaughter was sad because hers is old and has a cracked screen and she asked my husband to buy the same one brand new but he couldn't afford itand her mom was FURIOUS. We explained my ex husband bought it for her but she still was upset. She said that my husband is putting another woman's child before his own and that it's not fair my daughter gets to have two dad figures 24/7 but her daughter only sees her father two weeks every month.

Then for my daughters birthday this summer her father and her cousins came into the state and we threw her a huge party (stepdaughter was there) and afterwards she left the state with her dad and he took her and her cousins to Disneyworld (we asked my stepdaughters mom if she could come when my ex told me he was booking the trip and she said no, which of course makes sense since she doesn't know my ex husband) but she got very upset and said my daughter shouldn't be allowed to go since her daughter can't go. My ex husband makes a lot of money and he can do things for my daughter that I can't. My therapist told me that my daughter might resent me if I don't let her and her dads relationship flourish and not allowing her to have things or do things to make my stepdaughter feel better is putting a burden on my daughter she didn't ask for. My husband agrees and says that we should just ignore his exes outburst so we did.

Things got really bad this Christmas. We spent it with our son and my stepdaughter. My daughter spent it with her father and she came back with a lot of stuff. A lot. Even I was shocked. She even had a designer purse. Coach, but still! A bunch of skincare and makeup, Lululemon, other clothes, a bunch of gift cards, etc. My daughters a preteen and is in that phase of her life but I did not expect her dad to get her everything from her wishlist. This year my husband and I saved and bought my stepdaughter a new iPad, a lot of clothes and even an Ulta gift card she begged for but that's not even close to what my daughter got. My daughter said she was going to share everything with her stepsister and they share a bathroom and she unpacked all her products for them both to use, but when my stepdaughter came over after her week with her mom she cried when she saw all the new things my daughter got. Even when my daughter said she'd share everything and wanted to do face masks together my stepdaughter said no and started screaming at her dad that he needs to buy her everything like my daughters dad buys her and why does she get two dads and she only gets none.

We were all shocked. I send my daughter to her room so my stepdaughter can speak with her dad privately and he tells me later that she told him that her mom told her that my daughter gets to have my husband live with her 24/7 and be a dad to her and then has a dad that lives far away that buys her anything and that if my husband loved her he would choose to live with her full time and not live with my daughter full time. She's told us stuff like that, but I had no idea she was saying things like that in front of my stepdaughter. My husband assured his daughter that he loves and that love is more than just material things but as a child that's hard to grasp.

Ever since my husbands ex and her family have been slandering us online, calling my husband a deadbeat and saying that he loves my daughter more than his own daughter because he can watch her get everything his daughter wants and doesn't care. They're acting like my husband is the one buying things for my daughter. If her father wants to spoil her how is that my husbands concern? My ex may not want to be an everyday dad but I do appreciate his bond with my daughter and that through him she'll always be set in life. She must have given my number to her sisters and friends because I've been receiving non stop texts and voicemails saying how can I live with myself knowing I'm making a little girl miserable? Even when I block I get new ones.

They even went as far as to tell me that I should give my ex full custody so my stepdaughter doesn't have to see the "special treatment". My ex has been saying he wants our daughter to go to a private school in my area when she gets to high school in four years that she has to be waitlisted for and I can't imagine the issues that will arise then. Since my husband and his ex couldn't afford it does that mean our daughter shouldn't go? My stepdaughter has become distant and doesn't want to leave her room when she comes over and is clearly repeating things her mom tells her like "She gets two dads and I have none" and "I don't want your hand me downs" when my daughter is offering her a skincare product which mind you hasn't even been a month since she's gotten it. AITA?