I guess this is goodbye…

There were times when I found myself scrolling through this sub and felt like the end was getting further and further way. I guess I'm posting this because it's a break in the cycle, it’s what I was looking for, and to give others hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband and I started TTC immediately after we married (we had talked about kids and our future for 3 years prior). We were on a mission. After 6 months, a dear friend — who is a fertility nurse — suggested we schedule a consult. We loved the Dr and scheduled all prerequisite tests. At our follow up appointment we were told that IUls would barely increase our odds and that IVF would be 50-65%. We gave ourselves one final cycle unassisted and it was a chemical, so into IVF we dove.

ER #1 (age 36) - AMH: .5 - AFC: 10 - Retrieved: 6 eggs - Mature: 4 - Fertilized: 4 - Blasts: 3 - Euploid: 2 (Day 5 4BB - 65%, Day 6 4AB - 60%)

Transfer 1: my first beta was 293! I was shook. Second beta was 783. Wk 6 US was perfection, so was wk 7. At our 9.5 wk US there was no heartbeat. I hit rock bottom. I did 1 round of miso, fail. Took a second round of miso, luck. Or so I thought. Follow up hyst showed leftover fetal tissue, a D&C was required.

Transfer 2: first beta was 31, second beta was 59. 13dpt was 209, 16dpt was 1,014. 5.5wk US showed an empty uterus and something in my left tube. The following day I went into emergency surgery to remove my left tube and containing pregnancy.

ER #2 (age 37) - AMH: .75 - AFC: 16 - Retrieved: 11 eggs - Mature: 10 - Fertilized: 8 - Blasts: 5 - Euploid: 2 (Day 6 5AA - 65%, Day 6 4BB - 50%)

Transfer 3: our tentative transfer date was our anniversary. I cried. I felt like the last 2 years held nothing but losses and heartache. What did we have to show for all our hard work, commitment, and sacrifice? Our transfer did end up on our anniversary. We celebrated at home with takeout, reminisced about our wedding day, grieved our losses, and held hope that “third times a charm.” 9 days later we got the call, first beta 54. Second beta 200. And of course, for good measure I asked to do a draw 15dpt, 2,209! Every US brought fear, anxiety and ultimately tears of joy.

We finally made it to graduation day! Frankly, it still doesn't feel real. I know there is a long road ahead, but I’m holding out hope that each of you make it through too.

In life, I always opt for the scenic route. But I never expected the universe to take me on one such as this. What we go through takes a sh* t ton of courage and mental toughness. It tests our every fiber. Feelings we’ve never encountered come up. Foreign conversations come about. And through it, we are mostly alone. We don’t get kiddos, kuddos or high-fives as we trudge through the sh * t. Instead, we push through pain and suffering in silence. But I see you. This community sees you. And we are here to cheer you on! Any moment can be your moment!

Good luck 🍀🌈