Is it normal to feel detached from people who have no potential tangible or emotional use in my life, even if I'm close with them? Do most people typically feel this way too?

I usually wouldn't care about being this way but it's been hard to reconcile that I'm like this when I considered my only redeeming quality to be how much I care for those close to me. It also feels like an insurance where those close to me can be like "oh he's selfish af with everyone but he loves us at least".

Without that, I feel like I'm reduced to either playing up that quality or if I end up being 100% authentic me, then that means I'll just be exploiting the empathy of someone who sees something in me that I don't have. Which means that if I care about them and want them to be their best selves, then a step to achieving that would mean not being with me lol.

Don't get me wrong. Like if someone close to me passes away, I can mourn. But it's more about mourning a part of me that won't be the same anymore. The main suffering though comes from any sort of benefit I was getting from them existing that I can't get anymore.

I remember in my early 20's, I had a close friend that I'd go on roadtrips with our group of five friends. After he passed away from overdosing, we met up to remember him, and I remember as everyone was leaving, I was like "well, I guess now we gotta look for a new person to join" and they all started laughing shocked like wtf is wrong with this guy lmao.

I'm not sure though. I have this insecurity that I lack a moral compass and typically I'd learn to accept it and move on but part of accepting something means being okay with expressing it to those close to me and BEING that but that has implications in terms of how those close to me will approach me.