Nothing went my way

When I found out I was pregnant back in August, I dreamed of the kind of pregnancy I’d have.

I had HG of course and ,at the end of my pregnancy, was in the hospital 2-3 times a week for rehydration and I lost 40+ pounds. I couldn’t have the baby shower I wanted because I was too ill, couldn’t prepare a nursery the way I wanted or nest the way I wanted to, because I had 0 energy. My business went to hell in a hand basket because of all of this so financially we were screwed (and we bought a house a month before I found out I was pregnant) and it was just bad news bears.

During my pregnancy, I dreamed of the kind of birth I’d have. I have medical PTSD from a prior, unrelated ICU visit, so I wanted to give birth with no IV or needles or anything much so I’d have a non-traumatic pregnancy. Of course, I was induced by foley and then pitocin because of my asking due to HG and my blood pressure escalated suddenly around week 38, so exactly at week 39 I was induced. The act of getting the foley was painful and then having to get the IV for the pitocin and then the epidural for how painful and sudden the contractions were and then the epidural didn’t work and my BP raised so high that they put me on more IV meds to make sure i didn’t have a seizure. Needless to say, my birth was also traumatic. I had to have a blood transfusion and everything. I had midwives (I’m in Canada) and if you have a midwife and if everything goes well and mom and baby are good, you only have to be in the hospital for 4 hours. I was banking on that due to my distaste for hospitals. Nope, we got there Thursday morning and left Sunday morning.

We’ve decided that due to my terrible pregnancy and then traumatic birth, that this will be our only biological baby.

I feel like this stage of my life was stolen from me, mainly because of HG. I wouldn’t have wanted to induce without it. I would’ve gotten the shower and the glow I wanted without it.

It’s just a strange grief that my husband is sympathetic to, but doesn’t really understand. Not to mention both pregnancy and birth have added to my PTSD.

I don’t know if there’s a point to this but I just needed to get it out there. But HG just sucks, not only physically, but emotionally too. Don’t let anyone downplay it.