My ruined life! A warning to any young addicts.

Hi, firstly I'll just provide a bit of background, I am just another example of someone who's whole adulthood has been destroyed and ruined due to gambling addiction. I am now 1 year away from being 40 and I fear it's now too late to live the life I want. My gambling destroyed my previous relationship which was now many years ago, along with any chances of a normal stable family now or in the future. My never ending debts and declining mental health due to the effects of my gambling, makes my future seem hopeless. I am living with my parents with debts still to pay off, no car, not a very good job in terms of income or satisfaction, bad mental health, and over the years I've slowly but surely lost contact with any friends I had. I have also lost all my self esteem and confidence and often feel depressed with no motivation. All of this makes any kind of relationship impossible and makes my future seem hopeless. I just don't see any solution to my problems, even if I stopped gambling.

Here's the thing, although my situation makes me feel suicidal on occasions, I simply wouldn't be able to put my parents through that. All this makes me feel so trapped and stuck. Despite all this, I do still have the tiniest bit of hope that one day, I will be in a better situation in terms of moving forward in my life. A normal happy family of my own however seems very unlikely as I will soon be in my 40s and my current situation is awful.

I hate seeing any pictures of myself in my younger days as I see a completely different person to the person I am today. I was young and carefree, motivated and optimistic about the future with energy in abundance, I looked far happier and was confident and popular, I just loved life. Unfortunately none of these things are the case anymore. 

Before lockdown I was in a position where I still had all of the issues already identified, however I hadn't gambled for a while and was beginning to very slowly pay off debts. Did I feel any better? I'm honestly not sure if I did or not but I did have a routine which didn't involve gambling. As lockdown went on, I don't know why, maybe boredom, but I just gave in to my thoughts and thought I'd have a gamble on one of those live casino gameshows called Adventures in Wonderland. I didn't know much about it but I won a large amount from my 1st deposit. From that moment on I couldn't stop playing it. Loss after loss after loss until I had lost all my wages and any money I had from my period without gambling, as well as making deposits using my phone which will go onto my next bill and I will be unable to pay. Therefore I have no money to pay towards my debts this month or for anything, housekeeping, or for anything else. Most of next months wages will now also disappear. Luckily I cannot take on any more debt. The problem I have is that if I could have just stopped after the big win, I could have nearly cleared my debts and put myself in a much better situation. However like so many gambling addicts, I have said this time and time again over the years. Like so many gamblers I will hesitate about buying something for a tenner like a takeaway, but when I'm gambling I won't even think twice about depositing 100s and 100s! Crazy!

The problem is, as I've already mentioned, is that I just don't see a solution even if I never gambled again. The effects from my gambling will still be there. This is the problem with gambling addiction, the effects from it can stay with the person for many many years after quitting depending on the extent of the persons gambling. These effects make moving forward impossible due to debts and mental health etc. This is why gamblers feel so trapped and stuck in life. 

Unfortunately I'm having a really difficult time accepting things even though I know I have to. Obviously I realise things could be worse although that doesn't really help on a day to day basis when you're struggling. Like I said, unfortunately I just don't see any solution to my issues for the next 5 years at least. One of the main problems is that gambling and it's effects has caused me to lose my identity and I have to a certain extent, become emotionally numb with no interest in anything. Until certain issues are resolved, I can't see myself regaining my confidence, motivation and self esteem.

A warning to any gambling addicts who are in their late teens or 20s, no win will ever be enough! Seriously listen! You don't realise it but even if you win 1 years wages, 2 years wages, or 10 years wages, once you start losing any winnings accumulated you will start chasing again. Our brains do not work in the same way as anyone without an addictive personality. We lose our minds and all rationale dissappears. Gamblers will spend 5 grand to chase 1 loss of a tenner without even realising! Even if this tenner is part of the winnings already accumulated. We are ill mentally. It doesn't come down to money it's a game being played in our minds where we will always lose. Please stop while you are young enough to rebuild. I have failed and ruined my life don't make the same mistake.

There's a saying that you only live once, well unfortunately I feel like I've completely messed up my chance at living a good normal and happy life due to a stupid gambling addiction.  Thanks for reading.