Struggling with a chronic illness while I'm still really young.

Hey Dad,

Its your daughter. The past year I've struggled with countless of illnesses, only to realise that it's the careless prescription of antibiotics that have floxed me so bad I've gotten a chronic illness because of it, and where I live, the medication has no guarantee for a cure. I don't have a lot of money. I've been working on my health, and finally, finally have been off antibiotics for over a month by eating lots of oats and prebiotic foods to build up my good bacteria, but my chronic illness seems here to stay, at least for the foreseeable future. My chronic illness gives me pain, almost all the time. I have to work through it through my job, university, and my relationships. I almost lost my partner because of it, and even then we're struggling because I can't do the things that would usually bring us together. My diet is really restrictive because of my condition, and it's getting harder and harder to find foods that bring me joy that aren't immediately out of my budget (thanks inflation).

I struggle to hang out with friends, my partner, and I'm not close to the rest of the family at all. I have to depend on my partner, whose parents have been kind enough to help out a bit here and there with my medical bills. I feel scared and alone. I'm on a new medication the past 2 months, and things were getting better, but recently my symptoms relapsed more than it should have. Even though it's slowly back on track again, I'm scared I'll start from square one again the moment I'm off medication. I'm scared I won't have my life back, eat the things I want to eat, or have the money to be with friends and my partner.

I'm only 21. I spent the past 2 years back and forth hospitals, clinics, and in so so much pain, stress and anxiety. My life shouldn't have to be this way because of doctors who were so irresponsible. I shouldn't have to spend most of my relationship battling an illness. It's not fair to those around me, but it feels even more unfair that I have to bear the consequences of my illness way more than anyone else. I'm scared that I'll always have this chronic illness. Some days I can keep my head held high and stay optimistic, but the trauma and physical agony from my illness gets to me more often than I'd like. Its a constant battle, and I've tried to seek help, only to be smacked by the horribly large bill from therapy (so I stopped going). Things are so hard, and I even before all this happened I was diagnosed with double depression (Major depressive disorder and dysthymia), C-PTSD. I haven't had time to process my past traumas.

It is so hard to cope. Every day is a new battle. Life doesn't stop for anyone, and I'm no exception. I miss the days where I had more ways to cope, and even then it was really hard. This feels way harder. I miss who I used to be without the pain. I wish I could be honest with my friends how hard it's been, and I wish I didn't always have to tell them I'm still not recovered a year in. I wish things were clearer and more understood about my condition, and I had several affordable treatment options. I wish I didn't have to discover and know more about my illness than my doctors. I wish coping didn't mean going to bed hoping that tomorrow will be better somehow, and give me hope along with it.

Above all, I wish I had love. I wish I had unconditional love, something I never had. I wish I never had to work for familial love. I wish I didn't have a family that called me a hypochondriac when they never had to deal with the kind of physical pain I have, to endure the mental trauma of it all, to have to walk home crying because I didn't have the money to afford medication and that I just wasted hundreds of dollars on what people called a 'good doctor' who didn't even know of my condition. It was only thanks to my partner's parents' connections, that they knew personally a doctor who took me seriously and confirmed my diagnosis. Tell me why a doctor cares so much and has so much empathy for someone like me when my own family thinks I'm a runt?

I'm doing my best to hang in there. To fight for my relationship even though I'm less than capable. Even though I wish I could rest and have someone to take care of me without any favours to return. I'm trying to be my own support system. but it's hard, dad. it's hard because I'm only 21, but I still feel so so small, because I never had time to grow up like everyone else.