i miss smoking :/

im gonna be five months sober in three days after my 5th episode and also 5th time ending up in the ER (somehow everytime i end up in the ER my symptoms get even worse). i just miss smoking so much. i know i probably made it a personality trait and i used to smoke everyday but man is it so hard seeing everywhere on social media and in real life people around you smoking and just looking like they’re having a blast. it almost makes me hate myself for having this condition. i just sometimes wish i could be normal and even smoke in moderation but i know my brain cant even process that because i get so hooked on the thought of how good weed feels. it just sucks AGHHHHH so bad i miss smoking a little joint and cooling off. just a small little rant.