I am NOT the Original Poster. That is AsleepRaccoon5331. She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: porn addiction

Mood Spoiler: sad, but OOP will be ok

Original Post: January 9, 2025

Throwaway because I just need advice and don't want this tied back to me.

I (F29) have been married to my husband (M30) for a year, and honestly, I'm at my wit's end. For the last 5-6 months, we've been stuck in this repetitive cycle, and it all revolves around our sex life or rather, the lack of it because of him.

When we first got together, our sex life was amazing. Even after we got married, things were good for a while. But now, it feels like porn has completely taken over. He outright chooses it over being with me. He's told me it's not about me or attraction but that he craves it. If I let him do his thing, he'd be up for sex later, but why should I wait around for him to finish watching porn just to be intimate with my own husband?

Then came the bigger red flags. He's left the house at 2 a.m. claiming to get food, only for me to find out later he was in a high school parking lot(yes, you read that right) jerking off. Another time, l initiated sex, and he turned me down because he "wasn't feeling it." | respected his choice, of course. But later that same night, while I was in bed, he stayed on the couch in our bedroom, under a blanket, secretly watching porn because he "missed it". The next day, when I tried to talk to him about it, he admitted that's exactly what he was doing.

It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm competing with a screen. He even says stuff like, "Porn is part of me-it's who I am," as if it's some personality trait. I'm high-libido, so this really bothers me. l've tried everything initiating, communicating, he’ll even tried to spice things up try new things and even suggesting couples therapy, but he flat-out refuses to go.

At this point, I don't even recognize him. I still love him, but when I look at him now, I feel... nothing. I'm trying not to lose respect for him, but it's so hard when this is what I'm dealing with. I feel like I'm mourning the man I married and questioning why porn addiction is being normalized.

Any advice? Has anyone been through this? Is it worth trying to salvage, or am I fighting a losing battle here?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Sounds like he has a serious addiction. He needs help, but just like any other addict he has to want to change.

OOP: He doesn’t believe he’s addicted in his mind an addict is someone who spends their whole day watching it like he wasn’t on the couch just browsing porn site for the hell of it.

Commenter: You need to straight up ask him why he went to a highschool to jerk off. Is he fantasizing about teenagers? 18? Younger? His behavior is becoming potentionally harmful to children.

OOP: He felt suffocated at home so he found a place quiet enough that was he’s response
To another commenter: No he wasn’t creeping on teenage boys it was 2am he just wanted a spot where he could watch porn guilt free cause he knows I tired to initiate before

Commenter: It's a hard question to ask when so involved with the issue, but maybe ask him: "why do you prefer porn so much more than being with me? what's that about?"

Possible answers:

1. There's no pressure for me to perform when I look at porn.
2. I have kinks I can explore in porn that I don't think are welcome in our relationship.
3. It's a time when I can just zone out, where it's just for me and I don't have to worry about anything else.
4. It's a fix that I can't get enough of.
5. I'm addicted.
6. It's a way to relieve stress.
7. I don't know why I do it. I just do. And I can't/don't want to stop.
8. I like it.

OOP: That’s the thing though I’m pretty open to trying anything out at least once and that’s exactly what I told him and still nothing all he said was you don’t know what it’s like to be a man like wtf
He does it because he just loves it no other reason he just loves watching other people fuck 🤷🏻‍♀️

Commenter: OP is still too deep in love even at a point of losing respect because this shit would theoretically make me spend my life savings to separate from this man, but I'm not the one deeply in love with him before he dropped his mask, so I'm giving OP the benefit of the doubt.

OOP: Honestly I don’t even think I’m in love with him anymore after all that he’s said and done. Apart of me will love him yes but In love idk that faded the moment he admitted to the yanking it in a HS parking lot.

Commenter: There is not a single person who is going to advise you to stay with him. Counselling is his responsibility, his mental health is his responsibility, and his addiction is also his responsibility. You deserve someone who is healthy enough to build a decent life with and to have a good marriage with. Honestly, as much as it pains me to say it, you have to let this man go. He was never ready for a responsible relationship.

OOP: And that what pisses me off I was loving my life living alone had my own place then he came with this facade why waste my time why look for a relationship to begin with. Pissed is an understatement.

Commenter: He woke up in the middle of the night to jerk off in a parking lot and says “porn is a part of me”

Would you have even went on a date with this person in the beginning if you knew that?

Its ok if you love him now but dont forget that you have standards

OOP: No I would have left the moment he said that. He hid it well and now the masks off he just doesn’t care he just says I want porn.

Update Post: January 10, 2025 (Next Day- 31 hours later)

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I didn’t expect so many responses, but I appreciate all the advice and perspectives. It really gave me a lot to think about.

After reflecting on everything, I decided to have a serious conversation with my husband about what I shared in the post and some of the things the comments brought up. I suggested counseling again, but he wasn’t interested. So, I decided to take the step for myself and booked an individual session for this Sunday.

As for us and this marriage I’ve decided it’s time to move on and heal. This morning was the final straw. He was in the mood and started feeling me up, but when it came down to it, he still preferred porn over me. It’s not that he’s not horny—he just doesn’t want me. When someone shows you time and time again that they choose a screen over the real thing, it’s clear where you stand.

I don’t have family nearby, but my friends came through for me in a big way. I don’t have much money, but I managed to find a room to rent and will be moving at the end of the month. My friend is going to take care of my kitten in the meantime, and I’ve decided to leave tonight for the weekend to give him the space and freedom he clearly values so much. I’ll come back on Sunday night to pack as much as I can.

Before leaving, I asked him one last time, “Are you okay with losing me? You’re not going to fight for us at all?” His response was: “Why would I do that? I’ll never beg anyone to stay—that’s just desperate.”

And with that, I’m at peace. It sucks it really does but I know I’m making the right choice. Another chapter closed, I guess. Divorced because of porn… what a way to go, huh?

Thank you all again for your support.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I don't know if this is true but if it is, it seriously pisses me off. By some miracle this man met a girl who married him, but he doesn't show any interest and prefers to live in a fantasy.

Meanwhile many many people who lost their loved ones would do anything to just hold the hands of their other halves one more time. Life is such an unfair mystery.

OOP: It’s hard to believe it but it’s true and that’s just half of it lol. If i post everything he’s said and done in the past year I think we’ll all either need therapy or ride at dawn cause some of the things he said was out of pocket and hurtful. I honestly don’t know if there are any woman out there who’s okay with porn being chosen over her but he thinks and believes it can be achieved idk🤷🏽‍♀️

Commenter: I'm here to ride at dawn- SAY THE WORD!

OOP: WORD!!! This shit is tearing me apart lol and all he says was why are you crying now ☠️

Commenter: I'm proud of you OP. Wishing you all the best in this new chapter of your life!

OOP: Thank you 😊. I never thought Reddit would be the one to open my eyes and walk away but I’m grateful For every advice I got. I received I respect it and I’m implementing it now.

Commenter: it is long past time to leave. Good Luck!

OOP: Yeah I just decided to leave I’ll look into getting a divorce once I get to my friends house figure out where to go from there