WIBTA If I report my otherwise well-meaning coworker to HR for unwanted advice she's been giving me?

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/TomboyTroubles2020

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

WIBTA If I report my otherwise well-meaning coworker to HR for unwanted advice she's been giving me?

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, obsessive behavior, harassment, biphobia

Original Post: September 15, 2020

Throwaway

I've been having beef with my coworker "Lauren" since she started working in the same office as me a year ago. I am a tomboy and been so my entire life: I look like a guy, I like to dress like a guy, and almost all of my fashion icons are guys but I'm straight and female and I am comfortable with who I am. It just so happens that I prefer to wear menswear for a plethora of reasons. Having short hair and an allergy to certain ingredients used in cosmetics makes me look even more like a dude.

Lauren prides herself on being a straight ally, which I am cool with. She does her own thing, that is totally fine. What isn't fine by me is this weird fixation she has had on me ever since we met. Lauren is convinced that I am a closeted transman. When we are alone (which I make a point to avoid to begin with), she is always telling me how she will support me when I "come out" and how she has all this advice for "people like me". She goes out of her way to track me down and tell me about these blogs about "people like me", which is cool but please leave me alone so I can do my job.

She once even asked me if I ever thought about doing hormone treatment.

She creeps me the fuck out.

So, thankfully I haven't seen Lauren face to face since our office began working from home. But every now and then, Lauren will try and reach out to me to talk. Which I ignore, of course. That is until last night and the reason why I am writing today.

I don't know how she did it, but she sent me a personal email containing a link to a psychiatrist who specialises in counseling pre-op, pre-hormone therapy transmen and women. And the usual spiel about how she is always there to "help me".

I'm reluctant to bring this up to HR because I don't want to discourage Lauren from offering up help to those who need it and do it on the reg. But I feel like she invaded my privacy big time by not only finding out my personal email, but bringing her unsolicited advice from the office to my personal life and thus violating my home/worklife balance.

The other reason why I feel like this will be an asshole move is because everyone at work would know that it is me who reported her. It's no secret about Lauren's behavior around me. I don't know if anyone else has reported her, but if I do and she gets fired, then this is all going to come back to me and I would be in trouble with my colleagues. While our office environment is pretty neutral, some of my coworkers are friends with Lauren and I am afraid that they will blame me.

I just need a second opinion. I don't know how long I can take this harassment, but WIBTA if I report my coworker to HR for harassment? I don't need her advice, I don't want her advice. I just want Lauren to leave me alone.

Edit: Yes, I have told her I'm not trans. She is still convinced that I am in denial.

Edit 2.0: Holy shit, her behavior is not okay! I am reporting Lauren to HR first thing in the morning. Thank you for helping me see that this is all fucked up.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have you discussed any of that with Lauren?

OOP: Yes, along with telling her to leave me alone and that I am busy and that I am not comfortable talking about this. She still thinks I am in denial. I don't know what her deal is.

Commenter 2: NTA.

This is harassment, and you are well within your rights to speak with HR. It is up to HR how they will handle it. You can let HR know she has good intentions, but that she needs to be spoken to about appropriate workplace behavior. Reporting to HR doesn't mean someone automatically gets fired.

You should also try to be more explicit with her about the fact that you are not trans, you are happy the way you are, and you do not appreciate the unsolicited advice. If she still doesn't listen, HR is your next step.

Make sure to keep a record of everything she does and everything you do in response to protect yourself. Written records are very important in the all too common situations where someone tries to go on the offensive after a complaint. Written records are a good backup if you ever have to defend yourself.

OOP: Tried to many times to count. She still comes back.

I have the email saved (and screenshotted, and backed up on my emergency flashdrive).

Commenter 3: NTA. She isn't an ally: she is a person in love with her self-perception as an upstanding person. She's trampling all over your reality in order to create a version of events where she can be the hero in your story who allowed you to find your true self. It's not okay, and if she won't stop on her own, you absolutely need to go to HR.

Update: January 30, 2021 (four months later)

Hi guys, it's TomboyTroubles2020 here with an update. It's been a while and a few things have happened. Some great, some shitty, but there's a happy ending. You can real the original post here

As I read through each reply, it helped me realize that Lauren's behavior was messed up. I was reluctant to go to HR at first because I was afraid of the consequences. I have friends who are LGBTQ+ who often talked about how they wish they had straight allies back when they were coming to terms with who they are. A few stood by her because she's "the ally they wish they had". Considering how people are so quick to cancel over disagreements, I was afraid of getting “cancelled” myself.

It took a lot, but I went to HR. We had a Zoom meeting with Lauren, a mediator, and myself, but it resulted in a slap on the wrist for Lauren. I was really pissed. It felt like Lauren got away with it. Aside from a whiny email from her where she insisted she was just trying to help (which I also reported to HR), Lauren stopped talking to me.

That is until a few months later. Due to current events affecting our industry, there were mass layoffs at the start of November. I was spared, but Lauren lost her job.

Since then, I haven’t heard back from her and I doubt I will see her again. Good riddance.

Another thing I wanted to add, and I think you may find this interesting. As it turns out, I’m not the only person who made a complaint about her. So many of my coworkers had issues from her going back to when she was a new hire. I won’t go into too much detail, but here’s a few incidents that stand out:

Lauren pressured an intern to come out when he didn’t feel comfortable. She gave a bisexual coworker shit for going on a date with a man after breaking up with her girlfriend. She attempted to get someone’s mystery novel blog “cancelled”. She constantly butt in people’s conversations to offer her own (unsolicited) advice, etc. Honestly, I could write a book about it. But long story short, Lauren was an obnoxious coworker masquerading as an ally and everyone suffered for it.

So, that’s it. Lauren was fired. We’re still working from home, but I feel that the vibes at the office will feel much lighter now that she is gone. If I have anything else to say, if there is someone whois harassing you into being someone you aren’t, tell someone. Tell anyone. They need to know that what they’re doing isn’t okay. Going forward, I’m going to stand up for myself. Thank you all so much. You are all awesome!

Also, guess who got a proposal on New Years Eve? This lucky tomboy! And you can bet that I’m going to get married in a tuxedo. My husband-to-be thinks one of us should wear a white tux and the other a black one. What do you think?

TL;DR: Lauren got fired. Finds out she is a shitty person. I learn a lesson in sticking up for yourself. I’m getting married!

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