Is it my fault that I sometimes hate my dad?

Hi parents,

I'm not sure how much context I should give. I'm a 19 year old daughter, and I've never had a great relationship with my parents. My dad had a busy career, so pretty absent, and my mom had the burden of raising 7 kids on her shoulders. She's mentally pretty unstable.

I've always seen my dad as a high intelligent person. But as I get older sometimes I can't help but think how stupid he is (although still high IQ, and I think low EQ). He's a radicalized Christian, and is just super religious. Every single aspect of his life is linked to religion. Two years ago I started questioning my faith, and I deconverted about a year ago. Of course that drove a huge wedge between us.

After years of analyzing him he comes across as a covert narcissist to me. It's not very clear, as he is supposedly very humble as a Christian, but his arrogance subtly shines through everything. (I'm aware narcissism is more than arrogance)

I've never felt very safe, loved and cared for around him. I didn't understand how other girls could see their dad as their hero, cause I didn't see mine like that. It's not that I only have negative memories of him though. But he was never very loving, actually pretty authoritarian. I get awkward when I think about giving him a hug. He has never initiated a hug and I don't think he ever will.

So here's the thing. Sometimes he says things, not even mean things, but just arrogant, narcissistic things, that just fill me with hate. I'm a very calm person myself, but I can boil from anger and just feel hateful towards him sometimes. But I struggle with it. Is it bad that I have these feelings? Can it be my fault? Sorry that this has just become a rant, I hope any of this makes sense.