AIO I (25F) feel like my life is crashing down around me

I desperately need advice, I feel like my life is a breath away from being in shambles and I just don’t know how to deal. I’m constantly on the verge of panic attacks and I’m so stressed all the time.

It’s just been a really hard year (as in past 12 months, not just 2025 so far lol in case anyone was thinking “It hasn’t even been a full month into the year yet”). I got laid off with no warning for the second time and was unemployed for a few months before landing my current job in July. I love it here and I am so happy to have this job but I’m scared it won’t last. I mean both places I worked at prior laid me off and that’s my only real career experience since graduating college so who’s to say it won’t happen again?

Plus, I may end up having to quit anyway if they don’t let me go fully remote. My boyfriend (27M) got a job in a different state back in October for a contract position and the job ends in February. I thought that meant he’d be back for sure unless they offered him a full-time position but he’s applying to jobs in our home state as well as that state, so there’s still a chance I may have to move to be with him.

I really love my job and I have my friends and family here, I’m so scared of starting over. But the past months of long distance have been difficult and I know that if he gets a permanent job there he won’t want to continue long distance. I’m terrified of losing him, he’s the love of my life and by far the best relationship I’ve ever had (I have had some truly awful ones). I want to marry this man someday. But I’m also scared of uprooting my entire life, plus what if I do and then we don’t work out?

I’m also nervous about making new friends. I wasn’t great at it growing up and didn’t really have my own friends until college. In high school I just hung out with my older brother and his friends since they felt bad for me cause I didn’t have anyone else. I’m worried about not really having anyone again if I move (obviously I’ll have my boyfriend but friendship wise). What if my current friend group that I made back in college was just a fluke and I’m actually still the awkward, unlikable loser that people don’t want to hang out with?

I’ve also been dealing with some major friendship drama for the past couple months with one of my best friends (24F). I’ve tried desperately to work things out and it just seems like she doesn’t really care to. I still don’t know where we stand and I get sad every time I think about it. This has been stressing me out for months know and I don’t know how to move forward. I’ve posted a lot about that situation and I’m still unclear on what to do.

Plus, on top of everything else, both my grandmas died within two months of each other this past year. I was really close with one of them and the other one died a horrible painful death so it’s just been heartbreaking and a lot to deal with.

Because of everything I keep worrying about, I feel like I’ve started to become distracted at work which again leads me to worry about my long-term employment at the company.

It’s probably obvious by now, but I have anxiety and depression. My anxiety is still pretty terrible but my depression used to be much worse. In high school I struggled with self-harm. I also tried to kill myself 5 years ago during my junior year of college.

I did 5 weeks of inpatient therapy after that and was really doing so well for the following 4 years. But with this past year just being one thing after another, I’ve had to fight off thoughts of self-harm and suicide again.

To be clear, it is NOT something that I actually want to do. It’s just my broken ass brain that keeps pushing these thoughts into my head again against my will. I hate feeling like because of my past, this will always be my default mode when things are going wrong. It’s exhausting to be at war with my own mind.

In high school and college, I used to self-medicate by smoking mass amounts of weed daily, and doing other drugs as well. After my attempt I got on antidepressants and mood stabilizers which helped, but I stopped taking them 3 years ago when I felt like my life was going really well and I’d be fine without them. Before this year, I had spent the past couple years barely smoking anymore. Now I’m back to hitting my dab pen every single night before bed. I hate being dependent on weed again.

I don’t want to be this anxious, stressed, and sad all the time. I want to be happy again. Everything is just so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do.

I feel like my life right now is a Jenga tower and pieces keep getting removed to shake up the foundation and soon it’ll all come crashing down.

I just had to get this all out there or else I feel like I’d explode. I know this was a lot, thank you if you made it this far. Does anyone have any advice on how to improve my like emotional regulation or something so I can work through all this? I don’t have the time or money for more therapy unfortunately. I just need advice.

AIO by feeling this overwhelmed about everything?