AIO feeling uncomfortable with my Fiancées Grandpa with dementia after he touched me?

Trigger: Inappropriate Touching. If anything of the sort bothers/triggers you please don’t continue for your well being

Hi I (22)F am engaged to my (22)M fiancée who I will call Jae. We have been together almost 6 years, and known eachother longer. We also have 2 kids (11m)F and a baby girl on the way. This post of about one of his relatives, in particular, his elderly grandfather.

A little context, we are currently saving up for a house and staying with his sister. She lives next door to their Grandpa/Uncle, so my daughter and I frequently go over there. I am very close to his family, parents and all, and feel like they are my own alongside my own family of course. His grandpa, who I believe is 79, I may be wrong about that but in that age range, has dementia and needs a care-taker almost 24/7. His Uncle also has Cancer and with his decline, needs help as well. Both my fiancées sisters work in healthcare settings as CNA’s, so they help his mom to watch both of the guys so that everyone can work and get some time away, since it can and usually is very stressful depending on how each guy is doing throughout the day. Since I am not working due to the pregnancy and haven’t been for a little while now, I also help out and keep an eye out on the guys so that everyone can go to work. I am never alone there for the night, but I will stay the night from time to time to help whoever is there out as well.

With that out of the way, what happened took place literally like 1-2 hours ago from now, hence why I am writing this. I have been very blessed and lucky to never have dealt with anything like this, but I am kind of freaking out a little bit but I am not sure if I am overreacting or anything.

My daughter was with her Grandma, Jae’s mom, while I was tidying up. Jae’s grandpa has a CNA who comes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to bathe him and check up on him. Well we always clean up the house to make it presentable beforehand since we also never know when Social Services comes and frankly, we want a clean house. Well I am putting my daughter’s playpen away in the laundry room, and I see Jae’s Grandpa standing by the door. Just to preface this, he was having a rough day having a lot of episodes that day. No anger or violence of any sort, just getting lost, not remembering where he is, the whole 9-yards. He is also hard of hearing/practically deaf and can’t see very well at all, so that makes things so much harder.

Well I went ahead and trued to walk him to his bed thinking he was lost per usual. I didn’t want to bother his mother since my daughter was falling asleep in her arms. So I tried holding his hands to walk him to his bed, but he started having trouble. Noticing that, I initially think he’s half asleep since he wasn’t really responding to what I was saying, and got close to help him move forward. He then goes and kind of gives me a hug. Me being naive and just trying to be compassionate knowing it must be hard going through everything, I just give him a hug back thinking he just needed one. I love to give hugs and while he has never gave me one before, I didn’t mind cause if I were feeling upset, confused, or whatever, I would want a hug too. All of a sudden. He moved his hand lower down my back. I thought that was weird and I went ahead and held his hand to keep his hand up. Well he wiggles it out and slides his hand in my pants, grabbing my butt. At first I didn’t think anything bad and just thought it was confused, so I told him not to do that and to pick his hand up. But then he says he likes it, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. Still, being the naive girl I am sometimes, I tell him he can’t do that it’s inappropriate and that he can’t just go and touch my butt. Then he continues by saying I can touch his and to just do it a little longer. That’s when I started feeling really really uncomfortable and kept repeating to stop doing what he was doing loudly and making faces to the camera on his dresser. His mom has a camera on his dresser connected to her phone that she keeps there to keep an eye on him if he starts acting up. Well he kept persisting then started moving away from both the bed and myself. I told him he needs to go to bed and asked if I could go with him. I told him no and he just kept persisting while slowly walking back. At that point, Jae’s mom comes and touches her dad’s shoulder to get him to stop. She gives me my daughter and starts telling him that he cannot do that and needs to go to bed. At that point I just walk to the living room still holding my daughter but shaking. It wasn’t until then it really set in what happened. His mom comes back apologizing, saying that wasn’t ok and just felt really bad. I said it was weird and he’s never done that with me before. We both figured that maybe he thought I was his wife who passed away over a decade ago, but it was just so weird and nothing like that has ever happened to me before. She asked if I was ok, and I said I think so, just weirded out cause I’ve never had anyone do anything like that to me. We started talking, wondering if he could have possibly done this to the CNA who comes and bathes him or something. We don’t think she doesn’t anything inappropriate to him, and the camera in the room so far has shown everything as professional by every standard. And the lady is just a sweet lady who absolutely also loves my daughter to bits. Tomorrow she’s going to bring it up to her, and see what to do next, if he has made advances to her before, and all that jazz.

Here’s my thing now. I am back in my room with my daughter who is sound asleep, and I am not sure how to process this. I feel disgusting. I can still feel his hand on my butt cheek and I can’t get rid of the feeling. I want to cry but I am not sure how to feel or what to do. Moreover, my fiancées comes home in a few hours from work. He is a big cuddler and loves to grab my butt in his sleep. But right now I can’t imagine him touching me. I feel so gross and I hate it. He has been the only person ever to touch/see me that way and I can’t fathom him touching me. I’m scared I’m going to worry him and make him think he did something wrong. The other, and I bed to say more important part to this, is that he hates the fact I help with his Grandpa. He hates that I have a little girl I should, (and do), focus on and that we have one on the way. I am 26 weeks pregnant, and this pregnancy has been a little harder, but nothing over the top thank goodness. But he thinks his grandpa should have been in a home a long time ago. Everyone has a big chunk of their lives right now dedicated to taking care of them, including me. The reason he is not in a home is because his mom wants him to stay at home for as long as he can before he passes. I can empathize with her, since I lost my stepdad who was only on hospice for a few months before he passed. But every time something is going on, or we want to celebrate something together, like a gender reveal or birthday or something, we have to ethier take his Grandpa with us, or have someone stay behind and miss out. It’s rough both ways, but we mostly have someone stay with him cause it is a MAJOR hassle moving him from place to place. His Uncle can luckily be by himself for a few hours since he is not bed-bound, but his Grandpa cannot be by himself. With all of that, it really pisses my fiancée off, but because we don’t want to break his mom’s heart and make her struggle even more so, we still help her out. And for the most part, it really isn’t too too bad. But tonight crossed a line I never thought would be crossed. And I know if he finds out, he will be furious and will not let me be around him at all anymore, which basically leaves his mom with even less help. It also doesn’t help that he is about to get re-evaluated to see if he still even qualifies for hospice. If he doesn’t, then that is even less help and more stress on everyone. That and with the way his Grandpa can be sometimes, he hates being away from his daughter, my fiancées mom. Whenever the nurses and EMT’s would take him into the facility for and upcoming Hurricanes, or to just give Jae’s family a break for a few days, he made it so difficult for the staff. So knowing how he is, we can all imagine how he will be in a more permanent nursing home, which is another reason why his mom hasn’t already done so. I understand his dementia is almost middle-stage if it isn’t already, but I still feel like he knows just a little bit what he was doing. I just hate that this has happened and possibly ruined everything.

So here’s where I need advice. AIO? I know not to take anything like this lightly but I am also aware he has been having multiple episodes all day today, including peeing on the floor. How do I move on from this? I hate keeping secrets, but should I still talk to my fiancée when I see him? Should I talk to him mom first so maybe we can break the news in a calmer approach? I am just so lost and confused and gross and I don’t know what to do. I do want to tell him right away because I tell him everything and hate keeping secrets from him. But I am also so scared this will cause so much stress and problems with his whole family, and I still feel like it was my fault. Like. I should have known not to give him a hug, or maybe I should’ve just pushed him away and walked away, or something else. I feel like it is my fault and I feel absolutely horrible and disgusted with the whole situation. I am a very emotional person and I am so scared this is going to be so hard on me. What should I do? And advice would be helpful. I can’t sleep and I’m fighting the urge to bawl my eyes out but I just don’t know anymore. Thanks in advance. Also sorry about all the typos, but I really do not want to re-read and think about it all over again.