Please help! My sister hates me.

Please help. I don’t know what to do.

I am 18 and nonbinary, my younger sibling is 14 and she is also nonbinary. We use all pronouns, because we don’t really care. I say this because I’m praying I get some responses, please. I feel desperate. I have always been a softer and more.. gentle person, I guess. Where my sister is harsher and painfully blunt. I love her very much, and always have. But since we were younger, she has always seemed to hate me. I was a small kid, lanky and weak. They were bigger and stronger than me. My first experience that I can remember is being 4-5 and 7-8, and she sat on me. For a long time, on my chest. I couldn’t breathe and I was purple when my parents saw and pulled her off. In the pool, they would grab me by the wrists and genuinely try to drown me. I developed carpophobia over time, the fear of wrists. Anyone touching my wrists would send me into a panic attack, and I already suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks. I felt weak and helpless. She was so much younger, I should have been able to defend myself. These thoughts pushed me deeper into the depression and mental health problems I already had. When we would argue as siblings do, they would always escalate it into a physical fight. Now that we’re older, they don’t physically hurt me, but emotionally. We get along sometimes, but she’s mean. She attacks me over everything, where it hurts. Even though I have friends, they always makes a point to laugh about how I don’t. I have health problems that have been isolating and it breaks my heart. I have a partner and she has never acted happy for me. She acts upset when she knows my boyfriend is coming over, but happy when I go to his house. She’s even been mean to him, and then I put my foot down and snap back. But otherwise I try not to escalate the situation. They are also sort of a typical teenager I guess, always in her room and never spending time with me.

Why does she hate me? What did I do? How can I make this stop?