I don’t know myself

this is going to be long.

18f, in my first year of college studying IT. However I’m not content, mainly due to 2 reasons: 1) im not interested in the field of IT. I chose it mostly because I didn’t have much choice, and it’s a good choice financially. 2) The college I’m in isnt very good. It has terrible infrastructure. I also don’t really like the people here.

Since I was 14, I wanted to become a doctor, and my parents encouraged it. But in 11th grade, they pushed me more towards engineering and IT. The path to becoming a doctor is extremely competitive and more often than not, people fail. So, for more security, they told me to give up on becoming a doctor and do IT. I was heartbroken but I understood their perspective, because I knew I wasn’t good enough to win against the competition. But the feeling of sadness, and missing out never left me. I fell into depression, although I never got it diagnosed, severe signs were there. I thought I would be happy once I got into college and made friends but I never stopped thinking about medical school. I see my peers and other people who are in med school and I feel so much fomo.

I decided to give college entrances again in hopes of getting a better college and desired courses. However, I still didn’t aim for med school, because it had been drilled into my brain that it was impossible for me. I aimed for courses like biotechnology and biological research.

Now that the entrance exams are here, I realised i don’t deserve a better college. I don’t study even though I want to, I waste time and I make excuses. And when my parents ask me how my prep is going, I lie and say it’s good. I always chase short term satisfaction over a long term goal. Even if the goal is something I really want. The college i have is what I deserve. Maybe even better than what I deserve. This is the reality.

The problem with me is that I don’t know myself. I don’t know how I’m going to behave in some situation, I don’t know if I’m gonna work hard, I don’t know if something is right for me or not. I feel like I keep lying to myself, saying that I’m better than I actually am, deluding myself just so I don’t have to work hard.

For all these years, I thought that I can do it, but I never got a chance. I would have been able to do it, only if I wasn’t discouraged. That’s why it was even sadder to me. But maybe I was deluding myself. I never had the qualities needed for it.

Even after all this realisation, im sad because I want something that I’m not good enough for. I want a good college. I want so badly, desperately to be a doctor. I’m far from good enough, and I never will be. I want things that I don’t deserve, and I don’t want to put in the work to make myself worthy of them. I think it’s because at one point in my life, I WAS good enough. I had potential but I let it go to waste because of mental problems. Or maybe that’s an excuse too, and I’ve always been lazy. I DONT KNOW.

I want advice on how to stop feeling sad over unfulfilled dreams. I don’t think the pain will ever fully go away, but it’s making me miserable. I can’t focus on the present because I can’t let go of the past.